When, in 2001, my friend Lincoln Jones asked me to write something for his
I said yes. With the Paula
Jones thing over and my presidency over, I now have time to devote to
important and interesting matters.
I write this super secret seduction guide, for you, the friends of Lincoln Jones. All the immunity in the
world won't get Lincoln Jones's friends to open their mouths.
My friend Lincoln Jones has meant so much to me I wanted to do more than
just a listing of my sexual conquests. It was Lincoln Jones who taught me all about
and Russia's Foreign
Policy. It was Lincoln Jones who championed an entire set of
Describing My Character. It was Lincoln Jones who praised me as a
role model for young
American boys. It was Lincoln Jones who led me to
Viagra and helped me overcome
my impotence problem.
And, of course it was Lincoln Jones who taught me how
to meet a woman.
Of course, since I became a governor and president I have not needed Lincoln
"What should I write about," I asked Lincoln Jones. I always ask
Lincoln Jones when I have any questions.
"Write about what you know best," he said. So, I did. It is with
great pleasure that I write this -- and dedicate this -- to the friend of
Lincoln Jones -- Bill Clinton's Guide to Seduction and Lovemaking Success.
Now, when I told my buddy, Lincoln, my topic, he got a little worried.
"Bill," he said, "My page is for decent people. It's aimed at what they
need and want. We can't do anything pornographic." I just laughed.
Apparently Lincoln doesn't know that all men and women of all ages need a
little pornography. But, I promised Lincoln I would keep my writing clean.
I have been very successful with women. In this I have emulated many other
great politicians who have successfully lusted after, and seduced, women.
I want all you men to know how you can achieve sexual success and happiness.
Here are my presidential secrets for getting it.
Drop Your Pants and expose your genitals.
The best way to get a woman is to surprise her with your pants pulled down.
Let's suppose you're on a plane. Go to the bathroom. Drop your pants. Buzz
for the flight attendant. When she comes, expose yourself and say, "Why don't
you come in and shut the door?" Now, don't limit this approach to airplanes.
You can use it in a hotel room. Send your male workers out to get some
pretty chick who works for you. Tell him to tell her that you need her in your
room. When she comes in the door -- surprise! She'll be very aroused at your
exposure and dominance.
Don't ask! Just grab them tight and squeeze their bazookas.
Forget all this political correctness and sexual equality baloney. Women
want real men. They don't want to be asked, "May I touch your breasts? May I
hold you?" If you see a woman you like, just grab her. Squeeze her cubongas,
kiss her and then whisper, "I always wanted to do that." It works all the time.
Read what Court TV
says about my sexual successes.Marry a lesbian.
No single woman can ever satisfy a real man. A real man needs continued
passion and continued new conquests. But, for many careers, in politics or law
or other areas, it's often advisable to be married. Smart lesbians -- and
believe me they ARE smart -- know this, too. They have the same need for a show
marriage. So, find a smart lesbian. Marry her. Then, she does what she does
and you do what you do. If you marry a straight woman and she discovers you're
fooling around, you're headed for trouble. A lesbian won't care if you fool
If you don't know much about lesbians, check out some of my favorite books on
the topic right hereBe powerful!
Women love powerful men. Some women come all the way from little towns just
to be near big, powerful men. Even when they don't come to you, if you have
power you can send people out to bring the women to you. I find it effective to
use uniformed police officers. You don't need to be a president like me to have
power. Everyone has some power. When I was a young college professor I had the
power of determining grades for my students. Once this gal,
Susan Weber Jones, wanted an A.
We negotiated. She got what she wanted. I got what I wanted. I learned
everything I needed to know about power from Lincoln. He is even more powerful
than I am. If you want to learn more about
power, click here. My negotiation with Susie, leads me to another rule.
Always be nice to everyone, even men.
Once I got what I wanted from Susan, I kept her as a friend. I figure if I
do business with a skirt once there's always a chance I could do business again.
This little advice can work for you. It really worked for me. My student
Susan became U.S.
District Judge Susan Webber Wright, the judge who got to rule in my Paula
Be nice to the men who know about your sexual success, too. I made a mistake
once. When I was governor of Arkansas I had a guy workin' for me named Larry. I
fired him. Next thing he was talkin' to everybody about my Arkansas cutie,
Gennifer Flowers. Man! She was a good lookin' chick. I was cheatin' on Hillary
with this great lookin' babe for twelve years. Of course, I was gettin' ready
to be president back in 1990, so I had to cool it with Gen. Well, to make up for
Larry's spillin' the beans, I asked Miss Flowers to protect me, to lie to anyone
if she had to. She was pretty smart for a straight woman. She knew that
everything was about protecting my power structure, and anyone who got in the
way was in trouble. So, Larry didn't hurt me too much. At this time I had dumped
Genny. But she stood by me, because of one more rule you'll need to follow.
Be nice to them when you drop them.
When I dump a dame I like to be nice. Gennifer was gettin' a little long in the
tooth. I didn't want her any more. Her career as a lounge singer wasn't payin'
her bills, so I helped find her a position at an Arkansas state agency. I got
her hired by my Arkansas Appeal Tribunal, a state agency. As I recall I got a
pal to kind of, you know, take her around to find a job. Treat them with
kindness, even when they're old and gray. Spurned women can be trouble. Big
trouble. Of course, being nice to your castaways has its own problems, which
leads me to another rule.
Don't get caught actually finding jobs or giving presents to your
I'm a nice guy. I like to buy my playmates little trinkets and dresses.
Don't do it. It can blow up in your face. Trust me. Give them nothing that
can be traced to you. It can get you in trouble. I know. That guy Starr made a motion for a speedy Supreme
Court ruling on my desire to limit testimony in a case involving a Monica
I presented with a few trinkets and helped find a job. My lawyers said I had
two choices, - oppose fast-track consideration of whether I could invoke executive
privilege in the case
(getting oral sex from young women is a sacred, executive duty of presidents),
or just give up. This forced me to stop lying about my sexual relationship with
Monica. While I'm thinking about this, here's another rule to follow to
be sexsessful (that's a pun, boy) with women,
Look and speak as if you are sincere.
Now, don't get me wrong. You don't have to BE sincere. Just SEEM sincere.
American women can be fooled very easily. Most Americans can be fooled easy.
And, besides, even if they know you lied to them, they're always hopin' you'll
be truthful the next time. When I was running for president and this Flower's
stuff came out, I said I never slept with the slut. I had my wife
tell folks it was a
right wing conspiracy, a Republican dirty trick to make me look like an
adulterer. I convinced Americans everywhere. I looked that TV in the eye like
I look a woman in the eye, and I convinced them with my sincerity.
I was asked, "what was my relationship with Gennifer Flowers." Now, I'm a
family man and I wasn't about to admit I'd been cheatin' on Hillary for twelve
years. But, I wasn't caught with my pants down. I looked the camera right in
the eye again and said, right on "60 minutes," that my relationship with Miss
Flowers, was "Very limited, but until this, you know, friendly, but limited."
Over and over I said I "categorically deny" having an affair with Genny. I even
called Genny a liar. Who were people goin' to believe? Me, a powerful
politician with the ethics of a lawyer, or some aging lounge singer?
Ask others to lie
When I called Flowers to discuss what she would say about me, I urged her not
to say, "Yeah, I did it with him." Deny the affair, I told her.
Crush the Women Who don't stay in line.
Now I believe in bein' nice. But when some wench makes you look bad,
to take action. Sometimes they act like I'm wrong for grabbin' them by
bazookas. But, I am so powerful I don't need to worry about these
had well paid guys like Bruce Lindsey call them from the White House and
pressure them to keep quiet about my behavior. Bruce had the green light
break into their apartments and steal their personal diaries and any
photos they might have of me. I hired Jack Palladino, a San Francisco
investigator, to go around the country talking to people who knew
girl friends, guy friends, people she had known. But, I just wasted my
turned over every rock and there was nothin' to expose. I was the only
she messed with -- and I wasn't about to release that to the press.
you're nice to them they can bite. When I called Flowers to discuss
would say about me, I urged her not to say, "Yeah, I did it with him."
affair, I told her. She secretly tape-recorded some of my conversations
messages I left on her answering machine. The woman had no ethics.
couldn't hurt me. Another flight attendant who got a little upset about
ways got her punishment. She needed the job on my campaign plane and
for a year
I got to dominate her with unrelenting physical and verbal abuse. That
punished the chick and gave me a great feeling of power, especially
because I had her where she couldn't escape -- 30,000 feet in the air. I
boss and she knew it. And, do you remember what I did to that Linda
Tripp gal who
opened up the whole Lewinsky issue? I got the FBI on her right, while
watched my backside.
Take advantage of every minute.
You won't be able to get it up forever. Use every moment you can while you
can. I once had a little
chick who gave me great ... (I guess I should ask Lincoln if this is an OK
phrase to use) ... oral sex. When Hillary was away I'd have this young chick,
Monica who was 30 years younger than me, visit me in the White House. Another
time I had this flight attendant babe Cristy Zercher, about 20 years younger
than me, whose breasts I grabbed in my manly hands when Hillary was sleeping
just a few feet away! I am a sly old devil. On the ground and in the air, I
make use of every moment, while I can.
Finally, and once more, my greatest rule for sexual success,Show
On the plane I'd stand, unzipped, in the bathroom. I'd tell Cristy "Why don't
you come in and shut the door?" She was humiliated, and I was flushed with
masculine power." Another time I grabbed her from behind in a bear hug and
clamped one hand over her breast. Another time I pinned her against a wall and
whispered macho sexual remarks into her ear. When she wouldn't give me
oral intercourse, I barraged her with graphic sexual conversation and innuendo
-- including stuff about barnyard animals. If I had been showing this manliness
on a commercial plane, I would have been prosecuted -- and jailed. But, I am
powerful and I had my own plane at the time.
If you are a good looking woman and you want me, send a message to Lincoln
Jones. Lincoln always knows how to reach me.. Send me an email message
and tell me what you will do for me. Polls show that there are tens of
thousands of American women who want me, and I may not be able to satisfy all of
you. I'm now over 49. Still, I'll do my best. Be graphic about what you'll do
for me. I'm not easy to offend. No mail from men. I am not that way. If you
want to, just ask Lincoln for my official White House
for Good Looking Young Women Who Want to Assist The President.Bill Clinton secret Guide To Seduction and Lovemaking Techniques How he seduced Monica Lewinsky and Paula Jones and Gennifer Flowers and Maria Furtwängler-Burda and Belinda Caroline Stronach and Naomi Robson and Marjorie Armstrong "Markie" Post and Patricia Duff and Elizabeth Ward Gracen and too many others to name right now
Details at http://boomerspeaks.com/ClintonGuideToSeduction.htm