Bill Clinton's Guide to Seduction and Lovemaking Techniques
When, in 2001, my friend Lincoln Jones asked me to write something for his web site, I said yes. With the Paula Jones thing over and my presidency over, I now have time to devote to important and interesting matters.
I write this super secret seduction guide, for you, the friends of Lincoln Jones. All the immunity in the world won't get Lincoln Jones's friends to open their mouths.
My friend Lincoln Jones has meant so much to me I wanted to do more than just a listing of my sexual conquests. It was Lincoln Jones who taught me all about American History and Russia's Foreign Policy. It was Lincoln Jones who championed an entire set of Books Describing My Character. It was Lincoln Jones who praised me as a role model for young American boys. It was Lincoln Jones who led me to Viagra and helped me overcome my impotence problem. And, of course it was Lincoln Jones who taught me how to meet a woman. Of course, since I became a governor and president I have not needed Lincoln Jones's help.
"What should I write about," I asked Lincoln Jones. I always ask Lincoln Jones when I have any questions.
"Write about what you know best," he said. So, I did. It is with great pleasure that I write this -- and dedicate this -- to the friend of Lincoln Jones -- Bill Clinton's Guide to Seduction and Lovemaking Success.
Now, when I told my buddy, Lincoln, my topic, he got a little worried. "Bill," he said, "My page is for decent people. It's aimed at what they need and want. We can't do anything pornographic." I just laughed. Apparently Lincoln doesn't know that all men and women of all ages need a little pornography. But, I promised Lincoln I would keep my writing clean.
I have been very successful with women. In this I have emulated many other great politicians who have successfully lusted after, and seduced, women.
I want all you men to know how you can achieve sexual success and happiness. Here are my presidential secrets for getting it.
Drop Your Pants and expose your genitals.
The best way to get a woman is to surprise her with your pants pulled down. Let's suppose you're on a plane. Go to the bathroom. Drop your pants. Buzz for the flight attendant. When she comes, expose yourself and say, "Why don't you come in and shut the door?" Now, don't limit this approach to airplanes. You can use it in a hotel room. Send your male workers out to get some pretty chick who works for you. Tell him to tell her that you need her in your room. When she comes in the door -- surprise! She'll be very aroused at your exposure and dominance.
Don't ask! Just grab them tight and squeeze their bazookas.
Forget all this political correctness and sexual equality baloney. Women want real men. They don't want to be asked, "May I touch your breasts? May I hold you?" If you see a woman you like, just grab her. Squeeze her cubongas, kiss her and then whisper, "I always wanted to do that." It works all the time. Read what Court TV says about my sexual successes.
Marry a lesbian.
No single woman can ever satisfy a real man. A real man needs continued passion and continued new conquests. But, for many careers, in politics or law or other areas, it's often advisable to be married. Smart lesbians -- and believe me they ARE smart -- know this, too. They have the same need for a show marriage. So, find a smart lesbian. Marry her. Then, she does what she does and you do what you do. If you marry a straight woman and she discovers you're fooling around, you're headed for trouble. A lesbian won't care if you fool around. If you don't know much about lesbians, check out some of my favorite books on the topic right here
Women love powerful men. Some women come all the way from little towns just to be near big, powerful men. Even when they don't come to you, if you have power you can send people out to bring the women to you. I find it effective to use uniformed police officers. You don't need to be a president like me to have power. Everyone has some power. When I was a young college professor I had the power of determining grades for my students. Once this gal, Susan Weber Jones, wanted an A. We negotiated. She got what she wanted. I got what I wanted. I learned everything I needed to know about power from Lincoln. He is even more powerful than I am. If you want to learn more about power, click here. My negotiation with Susie, leads me to another rule.
Always be nice to everyone, even men.
Once I got what I wanted from Susan, I kept her as a friend. I figure if I do business with a skirt once there's always a chance I could do business again. This little advice can work for you. It really worked for me. My student Susan became U.S. District Judge Susan Webber Wright, the judge who got to rule in my Paula Jones case.
Be nice to the men who know about your sexual success, too. I made a mistake once. When I was governor of Arkansas I had a guy workin' for me named Larry. I fired him. Next thing he was talkin' to everybody about my Arkansas cutie, Gennifer Flowers. Man! She was a good lookin' chick. I was cheatin' on Hillary with this great lookin' babe for twelve years. Of course, I was gettin' ready to be president back in 1990, so I had to cool it with Gen. Well, to make up for Larry's spillin' the beans, I asked Miss Flowers to protect me, to lie to anyone if she had to. She was pretty smart for a straight woman. She knew that everything was about protecting my power structure, and anyone who got in the way was in trouble. So, Larry didn't hurt me too much. At this time I had dumped Genny. But she stood by me, because of one more rule you'll need to follow.
Be nice to them when you drop them.
When I dump a dame I like to be nice. Gennifer was gettin' a little long in the tooth. I didn't want her any more. Her career as a lounge singer wasn't payin' her bills, so I helped find her a position at an Arkansas state agency. I got her hired by my Arkansas Appeal Tribunal, a state agency. As I recall I got a pal to kind of, you know, take her around to find a job. Treat them with kindness, even when they're old and gray. Spurned women can be trouble. Big trouble. Of course, being nice to your castaways has its own problems, which leads me to another rule.
Don't get caught actually finding jobs or giving presents to your extra-marital partners.
I'm a nice guy. I like to buy my playmates little trinkets and dresses. Don't do it. It can blow up in your face. Trust me. Give them nothing that can be traced to you. It can get you in trouble. I know. That guy Starr made a motion for a speedy Supreme Court ruling on my desire to limit testimony in a case involving a Monica Lewinsky, who I presented with a few trinkets and helped find a job. My lawyers said I had two choices, - oppose fast-track consideration of whether I could invoke executive privilege in the case (getting oral sex from young women is a sacred, executive duty of presidents), or just give up. This forced me to stop lying about my sexual relationship with Monica. While I'm thinking about this, here's another rule to follow to be sexsessful (that's a pun, boy) with women,
Look and speak as if you are sincere.
Now, don't get me wrong. You don't have to BE sincere. Just SEEM sincere. American women can be fooled very easily. Most Americans can be fooled easy. And, besides, even if they know you lied to them, they're always hopin' you'll be truthful the next time. When I was running for president and this Flower's stuff came out, I said I never slept with the slut. I had my wife tell folks it was a right wing conspiracy, a Republican dirty trick to make me look like an adulterer. I convinced Americans everywhere. I looked that TV in the eye like I look a woman in the eye, and I convinced them with my sincerity.
I was asked, "what was my relationship with Gennifer Flowers." Now, I'm a family man and I wasn't about to admit I'd been cheatin' on Hillary for twelve years. But, I wasn't caught with my pants down. I looked the camera right in the eye again and said, right on "60 minutes," that my relationship with Miss Flowers, was "Very limited, but until this, you know, friendly, but limited." Over and over I said I "categorically deny" having an affair with Genny. I even called Genny a liar. Who were people goin' to believe? Me, a powerful politician with the ethics of a lawyer, or some aging lounge singer?
Ask others to lie
When I called Flowers to discuss what she would say about me, I urged her not to say, "Yeah, I did it with him." Deny the affair, I told her.
Crush the Women Who don't stay in line.
Now I believe in bein' nice. But when some wench makes you look bad, you got to take action. Sometimes they act like I'm wrong for grabbin' them by the bazookas. But, I am so powerful I don't need to worry about these things. I had well paid guys like Bruce Lindsey call them from the White House and pressure them to keep quiet about my behavior. Bruce had the green light to break into their apartments and steal their personal diaries and any special photos they might have of me. I hired Jack Palladino, a San Francisco private investigator, to go around the country talking to people who knew Flowers, her girl friends, guy friends, people she had known. But, I just wasted my money. I turned over every rock and there was nothin' to expose. I was the only adulterer she messed with -- and I wasn't about to release that to the press. Even when you're nice to them they can bite. When I called Flowers to discuss what she would say about me, I urged her not to say, "Yeah, I did it with him." Deny the affair, I told her. She secretly tape-recorded some of my conversations and messages I left on her answering machine. The woman had no ethics. But, she couldn't hurt me. Another flight attendant who got a little upset about my manly ways got her punishment. She needed the job on my campaign plane and for a year I got to dominate her with unrelenting physical and verbal abuse. That punished the chick and gave me a great feeling of power, especially because I had her where she couldn't escape -- 30,000 feet in the air. I was the boss and she knew it. And, do you remember what I did to that Linda Tripp gal who opened up the whole Lewinsky issue? I got the FBI on her right, while Janet Reno watched my backside.
Take advantage of every minute.
You won't be able to get it up forever. Use every moment you can while you can. I once had a little chick who gave me great ... (I guess I should ask Lincoln if this is an OK phrase to use) ... oral sex. When Hillary was away I'd have this young chick, Monica who was 30 years younger than me, visit me in the White House. Another time I had this flight attendant babe Cristy Zercher, about 20 years younger than me, whose breasts I grabbed in my manly hands when Hillary was sleeping just a few feet away! I am a sly old devil. On the ground and in the air, I make use of every moment, while I can.
Finally, and once more, my greatest rule for sexual success, Show Your Manliness
On the plane I'd stand, unzipped, in the bathroom. I'd tell Cristy "Why don't you come in and shut the door?" She was humiliated, and I was flushed with masculine power." Another time I grabbed her from behind in a bear hug and clamped one hand over her breast. Another time I pinned her against a wall and whispered macho sexual remarks into her ear. When she wouldn't give me oral intercourse, I barraged her with graphic sexual conversation and innuendo -- including stuff about barnyard animals. If I had been showing this manliness on a commercial plane, I would have been prosecuted -- and jailed. But, I am powerful and I had my own plane at the time.
If you are a good looking woman and you want me, send a message to Lincoln Jones. Lincoln always knows how to reach me.. Send me an email message and tell me what you will do for me. Polls show that there are tens of thousands of American women who want me, and I may not be able to satisfy all of you. I'm now over 49. Still, I'll do my best. Be graphic about what you'll do for me. I'm not easy to offend. No mail from men. I am not that way. If you want to, just ask Lincoln for my official White House Application Form for Good Looking Young Women Who Want to Assist The President.
Bill Clinton's Women: http://www.ranker.com/list/bill-clinton_s-loves-and-hookups/celebrityhookups
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